she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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