Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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