I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
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