omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
did i just pee glitter
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
