Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
