You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
