i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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