Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Randomize