I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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