Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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