can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
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successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
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