Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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