I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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