I think my fart just growled at me.
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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