that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
