New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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