life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Plan B is the new Plan A
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
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He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
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If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I just wanna be euthanized