I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?