Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
