i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
