I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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