ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
