She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
