If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
