If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
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