I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
