I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
