Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
