So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
