i'm signing you up for texting rehab
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
