If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
