You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
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