and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Randomize
