Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
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