Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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