The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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