my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
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I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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