dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
