bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
