i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
