I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
