I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
