turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
