I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
