Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
