He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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