I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Randomize
