I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
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