She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
