I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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