There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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