There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Randomize
