At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
me + whiskey = a bad person
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
