I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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