Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
