I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
