why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Randomize
