genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
