We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
