Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
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