Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
